What if there was one essential key, to experiencing intimate relationships that really work?
Sure, there are all sorts of skills, tools, concepts, behaviour modification strategies and awareness techniques, we can; learn, use, and implement – to improve our relating.
If we could distill and filter, all the non-essential items and aspects of relating out of the mix, leaving just the core, one or two, essential ingredients.
What would they be?
I’m pretty sure many of you reading this are now, are saying things to yourself like: self-love, self-awareness, our patterns of behaviour, empathy, capacity to give and receive love, being non-judgmental, accepting our partner for who they are, fighting fair, to be deserving of love etc. are all essential.
These are all very worthy and crucial skills to have – most of which are essential for successful relating. However, if we were to distill these down even further, with the intent to find what is absolutely at the central core?
What would we be left with?
After nearly 40 years, of often deeply painful self-examination, failing, healing, attempting, risking, loving, searching, and radically altering ‘who I am’ in my intimate relationships. I have come to the realisation there is one essential element, that each of can do, that will alter our relationships for the rest of our lives.
That no matter what; skills you learn, healing of your wounds and trauma, that you do. Or, self-awareness and behavioural modifications we make. Without this. It will all be for naught.
The Central & Essential Key to Intimate Relationships
The key is simply:
We must discover what it is, we have been craving, needing, wanting from the ‘other’, all our lives. We then MUST learn how to provide it for ourselves.
No-one else can adequately give us what we need at our core. We Must Learn HOW to Give/Provide It To Ourselves
Always wanted to find someone who can love you in that special way? Then YOU must love you, in that special way.
Craving the ideal lover who can make you feel connected all the time. The you learn how to deepen the connection with yourself, your body and God, the beloved, the universe, spirit – whatever you name it, if anything at all.
Just cannot seem to find that lover who can please, respect, satisfy, adore, listen, receive, you. Then learn to identify what it is you deeply crave and give it to yourself!
Give Yourself What You Need
I shared this with a colleague recently, she came back a couple of weeks later, claiming I’d saved her marriage!
Her partner was not listening to her, in the way she craved. After hearing this key – that each of us must provide for ourselves what it is we are craving. She went out and found a counselor who can listen to her in the way she wants. She’s ecstatic she is feeling the support of getting what she wants
I imagine he is relieved she has finally quit hounding him to give her something he cannot.
When this ‘AHA!’ moment of understanding hit me and I began practicing this for myself, it has transformed how I relate in my intimate relationships.
I no longer need anyone else to fulfil my deepest desires in relationship, as I now have the skills and capacity to provide what I want/need/crave, to myself. When I need it. This takes the pressure off me trying to get what I want from my partner.
I no longer need to be with anyone.
Therefore, and here is another aspect to this – I do not need to be in relationship. I am in relationship because I choose to be, each and every day!
Maybe at some time, you have had the experience of being with a partner/lover/friend, who is needy and WANTING something from you?
It’s an uncomfortable experience that can quickly turn us off from a potential lover.
I’ve met many people who complain about the ‘YUK!’ factor, when dealing with a potential lover or suitor who has a need that is not being openly asked for. What do we do when faced with this ‘YUK!’ factor?
Most of us tend to shut down, push them away, or walk away, because no-one really appreciates having a needy partner/lover/friend. It just does not feel good.
Stop Trying to Change Your Partner
For the many people, I have come across in my professional capacity, in group work or counselling. When their partner is not giving them what they crave, want, need, or feel they are entitled to. The craving, and the need to fill this craving, grows.
When the need continues to be unmet, by our partner/lover, it’s natural to then want to change the partner, so they behave in a way that will get our need fulfilled. When this fails. There may be continuous attempts to berate, manipulate, coerce, or force their partner into being more ‘of the type of person who can provide what I need’.
This of course, communicates clearly to their beloved, often in an ongoing fashion, ‘You, are not good enough as you are and you must change, to be who I think you should be so you can provide me with what I need’.
Needless to say, this is a rocky foundation for any relationship.
How to Find What I Need?
If you are unsure what it is that you are wanting, needing, or craving from your lovers/partners, try this.
Reflect upon the last couple of longer term relationships you’ve been involved in.
Is there any commonality, or theme, in your dissatisfaction’s with the relationships, or the partners?
What was it, that frustrated you the most in their behaviour or choices, that denied you…something?
Feel into it…What was it that you craved to hear them say? Needed them to do? In what way did you crave validation from them?
The next step is to learn how to give yourself, what it is they could not…
How to do this, will be in another Blog, coming soon…