One of the recurring mistakes I see people, who are called to ‘do the work’, making in their relationships. Is, of expecting (demanding?) the same commitment to personal growth and self-awareness from their lover, FWB, partner or spouse, that they have themselves.
This is a mistake I have made many times myself, and it causes hurt, grief, angst and conflict, in otherwise working relationships.
For those of us who are ‘called to do the work’, if your experience is similar to mine, there is no choice in the matter. The calling ‘to do the work’ is a part of me that cannot be separated out. It’s not coming from a place of needing to ‘fix’, or remedy something that is wrong with me.
It’s more a natural intrinsic part of my being that has a compulsion to reach out and touch the face of god.
Like a tree in a forest, I am compelled to grow towards the light.
However, reaching for the light means I must have deep roots. Reaching down into the depths of myself, seeking; stability, grounding, nourishment, nutrients, and binding myself to the earth.
So, when the high winds and storms of life arrive, I will be able to withstand the onslaught of unexpected forces. Staying strong, standing tall, while bending with the winds when it’s necessary.
Not all of us on this planet have such compulsion.
Maybe we’re only a small fraction of the population. I have no idea what percentage of us are compelled to grow, heal, and be the best version of ourselves we can be, or to stretch out to reach the light.
This compulsion becomes ‘the problem’ in our relationships, when we have unrealistic expectations of our partners, lovers, spouses, friends and community members. When we expect them to be motivated by the same level of commitment to growth and change we have.
I understand the deep frustration experienced when being with a partner who does not have the same compulsion. I understand how exasperating it can be when, at the start of the relationship they agree with the sentiment of personal growth and development. However, as the years go by, it’s obvious it was just a sentiment, a nice idea.
It’s not an intrinsic part of their being, that feels like it’s betraying something deep in my soul, if I’m not growing and facing the demons within.
However, if that is not an intrinsic part of her being. Who am I to demand that it be so?
Is this not grandiose? To demand a person that I love, change, to fit the way I think they should be? Is this not deemed to be a form of abuse?
One of the most overlooked and unappreciated gifts that comes out of doing the work, is a lived experience of compassion and deep capacity for love. Not the romantic love, we are accustomed to being bombarded with day and night, in all forms of media and social interactions.
No. It’s the capacity for love that is all encompassing, for all beings.
It’s a lived experience, not a feeling that flows through erratically, dependent upon external circumstances and behaviour of others. Or, our internal fantasies of how the world, or this person in front of us, fits some unconscious pattern we have in our psyche.
If, as we like to imagine, we are indeed ‘evolving beings’. We have an obligation, a responsibility, to be in integrity and congruous, with our deepest inclinations. To model acceptance, compassion, empathy, and most importantly gratitude, to those we love and choose to be our partners, or life-partners.
This is especially the case, when they are not behaving in ways that we think they should be. Or, when they are not being who we think, we need them to be.
